In the blink of an eye.

It has taken a few weeks for me to think about sitting down and writing this blog. Just thinking about writing it brings tears to my eyes. Perhaps the events of a few weeks ago were a premonition of things to come.

My buddy, my friend, my first horse, he was not taken by aliens, or stolen by horse rustlers, as I had feared, just a few short weeks ago. He was gone in the blink of an eye his spirit left his body and he was gone. Standing in his pasture, I imagine he laid down to rest and never opened his eyes again. The news came to me at around 8:30 a.m., November 18, 2010. Jill called to let me know that they had found my Granite in the pasture, he was gone. I could not comprehend what she was saying to me, it was not until I hung up the phone that the news took hold. My Granite, that wonderful puffy cheeked fellow was gone. It was unexpected and I was not prepared. I do not think we are ever prepared for the passing of our loved ones whether family, friend or animal. They all hurt, the are all unexpected and we all wish we had more time. Although, I wish with all my heart that I had more time with my very first horse that I loved so much, I cannot express how much this horse meant to me and how much it hurts that he is gone, he was a beautiful horse. He opened doors for me that I would never have opened or even considered going through. He taught me patience's and unconditional love. He was the master and I was the student. I will cherish him forever and will be forever grateful for all that he taught me and for all that I taught him. He is gone but will never be forgotten. I think when you love in your life and you loose the loves in your life they make cracks in your heart and each crack in your heart is a medal of honor that you have given your love to someone else and you will be measured by who you have loved and who loves you. One of my favorite quotes says it all, "It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all" (Alfred Lord Tennyson). I will take all the cracks in my heart, because each time you love you live a richer life. We are so lucky to love and be loved and having Granite only confirms to me it is all worth it.

Life is like musical chairs, sometimes the music stops and their are no more chairs. For now we have enough chairs and life goes on and the music plays but someday the music will stop and their will be no more chairs and your turn will be over, I need to make sure I play the game to its fullest, love, live, laugh, learn, dance, sing, seek adventure, eat well, smile lots, cry sometimes and cherish every moment of it all. Until the music stops and the chairs are gone.

Granite is gone but my love and desire to own my own horse is not. He taught me many things about owning a horse and I have many things yet to learn. I will probably never learn all their is to learn. But because of him I will be better to the next horse that I am lucky enough to have come into my live.

I know that my new horse will come into my life just like Granite, a surprise, a treasure I will discover, not an obvious fit but something will click and the music will play and we will be buddies. I know Granite will be waiting at the pearly gates for me someday but for now I will watch the gates of Shiloh, through those gates will come my new adventure, my next lesson my new buddy to love. I will continue to learn as much as I can, until the day that horse comes through those gates. I will know, he will be just right. His name will be Carey in honor of the big guy that I loved so much and in honor of Tony Curtis who helped name Granite. Carey Granite. yep, his name will be Carey.

For now I will content myself with enjoying all of the wonderful horses and other creatures at Shiloh. Today I spent time with Oreo, I do not know much about her, just that she was once a wild mustang, she wears the tatoo of the BLM on her neck. I imagine she once roamed freely somewhere in the western United States. I imagine she was rounded up by the BLM and somehow ended up at Shiloh. She is sweet. What I love about mustangs is their very thick necks and somewhat stocky build. Mustangs are truly amazing and beautiful horses, how romantic to think a horse called Oreo once roamed freely with her herd somewhere out west. A living legend in the mare motel at Shiloh. We are honored. I know that this horse was saved by Jill and Sally, from what I do not know. It is certain though, she was saved and her destiny is certain, she will be loved and cared for either by Shiloh or her new owner, all the days of her life, Jill and Sally will make sure of it.

I also spent sometime today with another horse, when this horse first came to Shiloh he made me overwhelmingly sad. He looked sad and thin and he had no life in him. He was hurt in his heart, worn physically and broken in his spirit. Before he came to Shiloh he was destined for slaughter, he was marked for slaughter only, who does that? Who takes away his chance of a happy live, what cruel sick person does that. They were foiled, in a blink of an eye he was saved, saved by angels of Shiloh, Jill and Sally. This now is a beautiful horse, his body,heart and spirit are healing and he proudly parades around the arena when Elisa rides him. He is proud and happy and he is better every day. His faith in the human kind is being restored. A little massage and a rub down today is certain to seal the deal, he loved it and I was happy to give him a little love, he deserves it and I needed to help a horse who really deserves a nice friendly pat on the back and a bunch of carrots. My heart felt good after spending time today with Oreo and Gentry.

I also visited my Shiloh favorites Stretch and Vanilla, all is well with these two happy horses. Stretch was happy to have his neck scratched and eat a few carrots. Vanilla was thrilled to give me the cold shoulder, all the while eying me cautiously from a distance. A quick sniff of my grooming bag and a nod of her head in my direction is all it takes to know she loves me too.

As much as it hurts right now to go to Shiloh and not see Granite, it feels really good to go their and see everyone else. Living, loving, learning, laughing, crying, frolicking, working and all the things we and animals do to live our lives. Shiloh is a good place and I am so thankful I found it.

The Unexpected

Friday, November 5, 2010 I was more than excited to get to Shiloh, it had been two weeks since my last visit due to medical issues that have now been resolved. I packed up all my stuff and literally raced to Shiloh to see the big guy Granite. Well I did not race exactly, I never broke the speed limit or anything crazy, neither did I stop to smell the roses along the way. I was going straight to Shiloh, no day dreaming checking out the scenery for me today, I just wanted to get to the ranch. I arrived at the ranch at exactly 8:30 a.m. I marched straight to Cherry Pie with my bag of goodies. I did stop in on the new baby and Mama, so cute. But nothing could stand in my way I want to see my horse. I prepared his treats and marched over to the pasture to get my big guy. I looked, I looked, I scanned the pasture no Granite. Oh my God I forgot what my horse looks like, I thought. No I am dumb sometimes, but holy crap I would never forget what my horse looks like. I opened the gate, walked in, set my fears aside regarding my lack of memory and marched around the pasture looking at every flea bitten or close to flea bitten gray I could see. About five horses are in the gray/white flea bitten color and none of those horse was my horse. I was thinking I am not this dumb I know what my horse looks like, he was not their. I marched around again, no Granite. How can this be? The pasture is made up of a large open area full of about 30 or so horses, maybe, and in the back a whole bunch of mesquite trees. Low lying bushes really with sharp thorns. The horses love to go in their at night to sleep. How they get around in their I have no idea, but they do. All the horses were in the pasture area eating, but not Granite. A terrible thought came into my head, Granite would not miss a meal he is either sick, dead, or gone, that is the only way he would not be out here eating with the other horses. Fear, pure fear entered my soul as I walked towards the mesquite trees, I had no idea what I would find. I wandered through the trees, no Granite. Panic, yes panic was coming over me. I had to stop myself, do not be silly he is fine maybe he is in the pasture next door. Yes, that's it some how he got into the other pasture by accident. I ran around to the other pasture, now mind you these pastures are not small and the dirt is sandy and can give you some serious exercise walking around in them. I climbed through the fence to other pasture, looked around, no Granite. Back to the other pasture, again I marched up to every horse even close to Granite's color. Stared at them, eyed them up and down, they probably thought I was crazy. Lady, I am a mare, he is a gelding, can you not tell the difference? Hey I was in a panic, doubting every part of my brain, it must be me, am crazy, I cannot recognize my own horse. He was not in that pasture, I am not crazy, dumb or whatever else you would call it when you cannot pick out your own horse among thirty other horses that do not even look like him. I left the pasture and wandered over to Eric who was working with his horse. I explained to Eric my dilemma, he said the horses in the Bachelor Pad had escaped on Tuesday and maybe the guys in rounding them up put Granite in the wrong pasture. Reasonable explanation for my missing horse, yes. I thanked Eric and marched off to the other large pasture at the other end of the ranch. No, Granite, all the horses in their are brown or black with only a couple of white horses. Oh no, where could he be I thought. I checked every stall, the blind horses corral, the gummy coral, all of them and no Granite. Mare motel, the inside stalls, everywhere even the quarantined stalls, no Granite. I marched back to the other end of the ranch, on my seek and find mission and marched all through the back of the ranch and all those mesquite trees thinking maybe they missed him in the roundup and he was back their. No Granite, by now I was holding down the rising panic, with tears ready to spill any moment, I approached Eric again, with a brave face on, I explained he is nowhere Eric I cannot find him. He walked back over to Granites pasture with me and we both searched the pasture and mesquite trees again and the other pasture too. No Granite. I agreed to check the other areas one more time and Eric went back to get his horse. I have never doubted my ability to find Granite in his pasture, for god sake he is big whitish gray with a huge scar and big puffy cheeks, where is he? By now I was losing it the love of my life the only horse I have ever owned has been stolen or worse he is dead or hurt and I cannot find him. I took my rope and halter back to the tack room and stood in the middle of Shiloh in tears, not wailing, just silently crying a little, being brave, all the time doubting my ability to locate my own horse and fearing the worst. Did someone steal him? Did aliens abduct him? What is going on, I really did consider alien abduction, just for moment. I gathered my wits about me and I asked the ranch hands to help me, Felipe sent Leo over to find Granite. Please, Please, Please find him Leo I thought. Sure enough five minutes later Leo drives over in the little golf cart and points to Granites pasture and motions he is over their. What? are you seriously kidding me. I think Leo thought I was crazy, silly girl cannot find her own horse standing in the middle of the pasture. Leo, I swear he was not their. It is now 11:30, I have been looking for Granite for three hours and Leo found him in less than five minutes, oh come on. As thankful as I was, I was sure Leo had him in his pocket the whole time and just pulled him out and dropped in the middle of the pasture. As absurd as that is I could believe that before I could believe I searched that pasture three times and did not see him, oh and do not forget Eric helped me too. Eric, had a disclaimer though, he was not sure what Granite looked like so maybe he could have missed him. So I am the dummy that cant find their own horse. Please, tell me I am not the big of a dork. I ran over and sure enough their he was right in the middle of the pasture under the shelter. I can assure you he was not their earlier. I walked up to him and he turned around and walked away from me, I was devastated, what is wrong with my big guy. I finally caught up to him but he was not happy, he was sad, I knew something was wrong. I told him I would be right back and I ran to my tack room to get the halter and rope. When I got back to the pasture, he was gone. Yes, gone. I looked all over, oh gee z this is ridiculous, really I cannot spot my own horse, please am I losing my freaking mind. He was no where, no where to be found. I checked the five white horses, who by now considered me some strange stalker and moved away from me when I approached. Crazy lady. Where did he go? Then out of the corner of my eye, in the mesquite trees I see a leg, slight movement, yes a leg. I marched into the trees and sure enough their he was, standing very still in the middle of all those trees. He must have been right their the whole time I was searching for him, I simply could not see him. Why was Granite back here and not eating in the pasture? He loves to eat, he does not miss a meal, but yet here he is no eating just standing. I walked up to him looked into his eyes, what is wrong buddy? Come on, I know I have been gone and your best friend Stitch is gone but really are you mad at me. Oh no, my poor guy. I put on his halter and tried to lead him out, he was not coming easily, I had to pull him along. We finally reached the gate with a little coaxing we left the pasture. I turned around to shut the gate and what did I see? A large baseball lump on Granites side, OH NO, that is why you are acting strange, you are hurt. I knew with everything in my soul that he was not right and sure enough he was hurt. I was upset, I had no idea what it was, it looked like a hematoma and I had no idea what to do for him. I walked him over to Felipe and he told me to put him in the mare motel and Jill would look at him when she returned on Tuesday. I stopped to show Eric, he had not seen anything like it. Oh my God my horse has a huge bump and no one knows what it is. Felipe was not worried about it though and he said he would keep an eye on him so I had faith in Felipe, he knows horses. I put Granite in the stall and went to get his treat. I came back and presented to him his favorite thing food, he would not eat. Oh no, what he will not eat. Now I am worried. I sat with him for the rest of the day, petting him, combing his mane, brushing him down just being with him. He just stood their. Sad, distant, not alert, pretty unhappy. I was very sad to go home that day I had no idea what was wrong with him whether he would be ok. I questioned my self, I am so inexperienced, I have very little knowledge, am I the best owner for him? Would he be better off if I was not his owner and someone who knew more about horses was his owner, or if I had not adopted him and Shiloh had kept him. You know what conclusion I came too. Even though I am learning and I surely have a lot more to learn, he is better off being with me. I love him, I have his back and I will never let him down. I will make sure he gets better, I may not know whats wrong, but I will find out and I will make sure he gets whatever he needs. I searched my soul for the answer, is he better off with me or without me? I know in my heart,my head and my soul that he is definitely better off with me. That is a good feeling, knowing that even though you do not know everything and you may make some mistakes, this horse is better off with me than without me. That makes me smile. I drove home still apprehensive about his condition, but knowing that he would be OK and that I would make sure of it. Sometimes loving someone or something is enough you do not have to know how to fix it, you just have to promise to do whatever it takes to help them and for that reason, the big guy is best with me.

I knew in my heart he would be OK, he did not have a life threatening problem, my tinge of fear came with the problem of the not eating, that worried me. He could, in addition to the hematoma have colic, but Felipe is watching him and I trust him.

The next day I jumped out of bed so fast I got dizzy and had to sit on the bed for awhile. I think I got a little dehydrated in my three hour search of the ranch the day before. Who know that ranch was so big. Finally, got dressed and bid my Ben farewell and headed straight for the ranch. The whole time I am driving I am thinking about Granite. The day before I had called Dee, in my panicked search for Granite I had called Dee to get Dave to see if he knew anything about the whereabouts of my horese. Dee was so helpful and so was Dave. Dave agreed to meet me out their today and look the big guy over. Because I was so concerned about Granite, mulling over and over in my mind what could have happened to him, I missed the Jean exit. Are you seriously kidding me, in almost two years of going to the ranch I have never missed the exit, but today of all days, I missed the exit. I had to drive all the way to stateline to turn around, 22 additional miles and minutes delayed in getting to the ranch. I fianlly turned down the garvel road to the ranch and who pulls up behind me but one of the ranch hands with the horse trailer. Flash, oh my God they took Granite to the vet, oh no. I parked my car, jumped out, hurriedly put on my boots and ran into the ranch. Granite was in his stall, oh my God I really have to stop panicking, right. Come on. Dave and I looked over my guy and he had been eating and pooping. Eating and Pooping is a good sign, horses have to eat and they have to poop or oh no trouble is on its way. The pooping is very important. Write that down in your book, horses have to poop. Dave looked him over, yeah, looks like a kick, a bee sting, alergic reaction. Oh and Dave pointed out his feet are swollen. Oh my god, wil this never stop? Off I went to water down his feet and run water on his bump. Upset yes, but not doubting that my Granite was better off with me. Yes, I would take care of him. He was eating his spirit was back and I spent the entire day with him. I sat with him in his stall I played with him in the turn out and he was getting better. He was eating, he was pooping, he still had the bump and now swollen legs, but his spirit was back.

The best part of all of this was when I had his hoofs looked at by the farrier who happened to be their Saturday. I asked him if he would look at Granites feet, it was time for them to be trimmed. One problem,Granite does not let you pickup his back feet, he will cow kick you and he means to hurt you. In times past they had to sedate him just to get him to let them trim them up. This Saturday was different, I explained to Travis Granites issues, he said lets give it a try. I stood and held Granite and spoke softly to him I looked him in the eyes and I told him to trust me. Buddy I got your back, it took awhile but I could tell when I gently stroked his face and looked into this big brown eyes, he trusted me and Travis trimmed his feet with no sedation. It was scary a couple of times but Granite gave me his trust and I took care of him.

Sunday I sort of con'd Ben into going out for just a minute, well three hours or so, I worked my big guy, around the turn out, he learned Parelli and we cleaned his feet again and it was a great day. I felt good about being a horse owner. Dave and Dakota spent a lot of time with me on Sunday and they helped me a lot to understand how to train my horse. This big former stallion has had little or no training and he has a major stubborn streak, but we made progress.

He will be OK, Jill came home and she checked him, he did get kicked and the hematoma will go away, the swelling in his legs is common in this type of injury, even though he was kicked in the upper shoulder area. I learned a lot this weekend but most of all I learned, I really love that horse, which I already knew, and most important he is better with me than without me. I got your back big guy no worries their.

Sometimes you do not have to be an expert to know something is wrong with your horse. I knew the minute I could not find Granite that something was wrong. We have a connection, I can see it in his eyes, his big beautiful eyes tell the whole story. I learned more about him this weekend than I have in six months and I know this, he loves me, in his horse way, I am his leader and he will follow me, he knows that I have his back.

I did not expect to go through all this when I started out that Friday morning, but I came out of it a better horse owner and with a horse that truly trusts me to make sure that he will be taken care of. I am his leader and we are a herd him and me.